{ C o n d u c t } i v i t y

An abusive man's conduct hurts those around him.

As I've been learning about abuse and how to overcome it, I came up with a couple word pictures that have helped me understand the truth about controlling men.

I realize both men and women can be abusers. But since I am learning with a group of women who are abused by men and my abusive relationship is with a man, this analogy is written from a woman's perspective. So here it goes...

Some men are like an electric fence, an exposed hot wire. Whenever the power is turned on, it courses through them and whoever's close enough gets shocked.

Sometimes they can control the current running through them for a while. But eventually, these men hurt those who live within their fence. They surge with power and control. They conduct themselves with anger, use force, and can be vicious.

They spew hatred. Their victims are in danger, physically and emotionally threatened yet often too afraid of the abuser to escape. Sometimes they believe the lies when their abuser tells them they deserve the treatment they receive.

Electric Fences Justify Their Behavior

The electric fence knows he is wrong yet finds justification for his behavior. He intentionally manipulates, shifts the blame, gas-lights, intimidates, and attempts to control everyone else yet denies he holds any responsibility for his actions.

Other abusers are like a worn extension cord. They also have power and control issues flow through them yet most of it is covered with a layer of insulation.

These men are also abusers but they hide it well. Only those closest to them may know the truth. There are shorts in the line where the wire is broken yet still makes a connection. The tools they attempt to use often work. But when there’s too much strain on the cord, problems arise.

Extension Cords Ignore the Problems

Their lives are inconsistent and their tools can become dangerous. There are rough spots where the cord is worn through exposing live wires. When it rains, the wires get wet and shock those around them.

There are some kinks in the line, maybe a knot or two. These areas are rough and difficult to deal with so the abuser conducts himself in such a way that he refuses to accept responsibility.

He either ignores the problems, pretending they don’t exist or he blames someone else for things not going smoothly for him.

He may feel the pain of his past but he covers it up or chooses to ignore it. Others have buried it so deeply they don’t recognize the problems are within themselves.

Because they refuse to acknowledge their wounds, they hurt those closest to them.

Abusers Can Choose a Different Path

Both electric fences and worn extension cords are abusers. They both cause great damage to those around them. But abuse is about choices.

If either acknowledge their issues, take ownership of their actions, face their problems and choose to deal with the root causes, they can change.

It takes a long time and a lot of hard work, but God is faithful. If a man truly wants to change, he will embrace the process with humility.

He will stop making demands of those he loves and will accept the consequences of his behavior. He will recognize the lies he has believed and learn to think differently.

As he consistently replaces old patterns with new healthy ones, he will become gentle and gracious with himself and others. He will continue to become more Christ-like.

There is great hope for those who choose to change.