Another Brick in My Faulty Foundation

After reading one of my journal entries to my counselor, he questioned, "Where did you learn to think like this?... Was it from your parents?" I answered, “No… it's just... everywhere… Christian books, articles, messages… I guess I sort of picked it up along the way."

But his question plagued me so I asked the Lord to show me where that belief came from.

Later that night, I found one of my sources in the lyrics of a song.

When I was in junior high, I heard Don Francisco in concert and I bought his album, Holiness (1984), which included a song entitled "Love Is Not A Feeling". Here are the lyrics:

So you say you can't take it

The price is too high

Your feelings have gone

It seems your river's run dry

You never imagined

It could turn out so rough

You give and give and give

And still it's never enough

Your emotions have vanished

It once held a thrill

The wonder of love

Could be alive in you still

The ring on your finger

Is put there to stay

You'll never forget

The words you promised that day

Jesus didn't die for you

Because it was fun

He hung there for love

Because it had to be done

And in spite of the anguish

His work was fulfilled

Cause love is not a feelin'

It's an act of your will

Love is not a feelin'

It's an act of your will

Now I wouldn't try to tell you

That it's easy to stand

Satan's throwin' everything

That's at his command

But Jesus is faithful

His promise is true

And the things that He asks

He gives the power to do

You know He didn't die for you

Because it was fun

He hung there for love

Because it had to be done

And in spite of the anguish

His work was fulfilled

Cause love is not a feelin'

It's an act of your will

Love is not a feelin'

It's an act of your will

Love is not a feelin'

It's an act of your will

___

As soon as I found it, the song started playing in my mind before I even read the lyrics. I had sung it so many times it was part of me.

I realized my twisted understanding is so engrained into my thinking and went something like this: Love is not a feeling. It's an act of your will. Love is difficult. The Lord expects us to sacrifice ourselves for our loved ones. He will give us the strength to endure to the end. The cost is great but it's worth it. The Bible tell us to deny ourselves, pick up our cross and follow Him. We are called to follow Jesus' example, and we all know he DIED for us...

And so this became part of my foundational belief system.

Some might argue that all those statements are true. And on some level, they may be.

But strung together, they missed the heart of the gospel message and placed a huge burden on me that the Lord never intended me to carry.

With my limited, childish understanding, self-care become selfish. Having boundaries and saying "no" was sinful. In my heart, I believed God would not be pleased with me if I didn't support my husband in whatever he wanted.

Disagreeing was unthinkable... So I continued to sacrifice and serve beyond my breaking point. That was my duty.

I never consciously realized it, but this seemed to be what was modeled by my best friend's family as well. Her dad was our pastor. Her mom played the piano and led worship. She taught Sunday school, worked in the nursery, coached our Bible quiz team, sewed our team uniforms, led the women's Bible study, and worked in the church office. She was a retreat speaker, a recording artist, and a “stay at home” mom.

I spent a lot of time at their house and I don't recall ever seeing her mom relax. But she sure worked hard. And her dad was never around. As the pastor, he was off serving God or playing sports and wasn't really involved in his family's life.

In fact, I recently learned my dad believed that pastor was neglecting his duty to his family. Dad felt the way the pastor treated his wife and children was wrong and, as it turned out, that was the primary reason we left that church and started attending a different one.

But in my young mind, my observations of her family formed my opinion of what a "Godly family" should look like. After all, their's had been Christian for many generations while my parents became Christians when I was a little girl. Surely her family was far more spiritual....

And another brick was laid in what would become the foundation of my marriage. Oh, the things I wish I could tell my younger self.