Why Becoming Pearls?

No challenge is more painful than being married to an emotionally destructive spouse. And waking up to the realization that you are being mistreated by the one person who vowed to love and protect you for the rest of your life can be devastating.

But handled properly, it can also be freeing, resulting in something beautiful. Something radiant. Something exquisite. A rare beauty to be treasured. A Priceless Pearl.

Let me explain with an analogy.

God created some incredible creatures and one of the most understated is the common oyster. These creatures are designed with a unique ability that no other creatures possess. They create pearls.

For centuries, pearls have been a symbol of beauty and elegance. Yet they are the result of a problem the oyster had to face.

How are pearls formed?

It all begins when a particle, referred to as an irritant, comes in contact with the soft insides of the mollusk. This irritant might be a fragment of shell, a piece of fishbone, a grain of sand, or a parasite. But whatever it is, it is causing the oyster pain.

For our purposes, let’s say the irritant is the thousand ways an emotionally abusive spouse hurts you. Over time, his destructive behavior causes deep injury. And as much as you may want to—and have probably tried to—you are not able to change him. It’s time to recognize the truth of your circumstances.

You have a decision to make. You could pretend everything is fine, keep taking the blame, trying to be perfect, living under constant stress…

Or you can choose a different tactic. Instead of just surviving and allowing the irritant to continue inflicting unending damage to your heart, mind, body and soul, you can put on your brave and learn the skills needed to set a course for a different outcome. The choice is yours.

What can we learn from an oyster?

God designed the oyster with a unique defense mechanism that enables her to handle irritants. And just as God gave the oyster this ability, He will give it to you and me as well.

Once an irritant is trapped inside the oyster’s shell, the mollusk sets about isolating the source of pain so it can no longer wound her. Coating the irritant with a strong and iridescent substance called nacre, she begins the process of making a pearl.

In the same way, when we face the truth of our circumstances, choose to begin nurturing our souls, and changing our own beliefs and behavior, we begin to heal.

Leslie Vernick, a Christian counselor specializing in helping women in destructive relationships, refers to this process as learning to walk in CORE strength.

Although we never dreamed we would be in an abusive relationship, God is able to use our circumstances to help us grow. We don’t have to remain stuck.

When we begin implementing new healthy patterns in our own lives, controlling the only one we can control (ourselves), we start to heal. And whether we choose to stay well or leave well, our painful abuse experience can be transformed.

But just as it is for the oyster, this process requires nurturing and dedication. And over time, as thousands and thousands of layers of nacre build up, smoothing out the rough edges, a beautiful pearl is formed. And that’s what gives the pearl its iridescence.

A pearl are strong. Resilient. Precious.

For the oyster, this process takes somewhere between two to four years depending on the growth rate. But eventually, the pearl is removed from the oyster. And oh what a treasure to behold!

For us, creating pearls is not about wishful thinking, looking on the bright side or pretending life is better. It’s not a “fake it til you make it” mentality.

Becoming Pearls is about change. My change. Your change.

It’s about identifying where we are right now—being honest with ourselves about the truth of our circumstances— and setting a course for purposeful, nurturing self-care.

It’s about personal growth, becoming the confident, God-honoring women we were created to be.

As Wayne Cordeiro states in Leading on Empty, “God’s ways are certainly not our ways, and all too often before the truth sets you free, it will make you miserable. We dare not conclude that what we are going through right now lacks the Divine touch simply because it entered our life without our permission.”

Life throws a lot of challenges our way, things that irritate relentlessly. But hang in there! Each obstacle can be the catalyst that sets a process in motion.

How about we create some pearls?

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If you realize you are stuck in a toxic, emotionally abusive relationship, I want you to know there is HOPE. You are not alone. One of the first things you can do to change your circumstances is to educate yourself. And I think the best place to start is at leslievernick.com. Leslie can help you recognize the truth as well as provide the tools and encouragement you need to overcome. You can do this!

If you haven’t read it yet, I highly recommend the book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope, by Leslie Vernick.