Life Lessons Gone Wrong

Years ago, I heard a preacher say, "As Christians, we ought to capture our thoughts and emotions and make them obedient to Christ.” He said we need to brainwash ourselves. He went on to say, “Brain-wash. Wash brain. Clean brain.”

I've been taught that we need to control our emotions. “Don't let them rule you. You must rule over your emotions and eventually they will be in line with your decisions.”

I've also been taught that "Love is not a feeling. It's an act if your will."

So how'd those lessons play out?

Over the years of my marriage, I have worked hard to control my emotions, even denied having many of them. I have convinced myself that I'm not hurt, angry, or saddened by anything my husband says or does. Or doesn't do.

I chose to be content in every situation. I've written and spoken my love for my husband and tried to act properly in all circumstances. I've believed it was a sin to be angry or hurt. "Just let it fall like water off a duck's back".

In my attempt to keep my mind pure before the Lord, I’ve rationalized every hurtful word spoken to me. "He didn't mean that. He's just had a hard day. He doesn't know what he's doing."

I've excused every hurtful moment. "He had a rotten childhood." And I've chosen to love my husband as an act of my will. I've buried every hurt, every sorrow, every angry feeling so deep inside me.

Now, suddenly, I’ve realized I have destroyed my own heart. I feel so much that overwhelms me. At the same time, I don't know how to feel any of my own emotions. I've denied them for so long yet the hurt remains. It is suffocating me.

There is no-one else: just my husband and the man I dreamed him to be.

Yet I’m beginning to realize I've acted like Guinevere in the movie, First Knight when she tells King Arthur, "My will is stronger than my heart. Do you think I put so high a price on my feelings? They'll pass. My will holds me to my course through life."

Yet it doesn't work.

My broken heart has been silenced for so long that my body cried out in rebellion to my will and my health has suffered greatly.

As much as I identify with Guinevere's statement about the strength of her will, I also feel like King Arthur when he says, "I don't know what to think. I no longer see my way ahead. Only fools dream of the one thing they can't have."

For me, it was the dream of the safety of a loving husband, a good marriage, and a healthy family... yet I have none of them. I've been a fool. And the reality is, my dream is dead... and so is my marriage.

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I wrote that in my journal one night as I cried out to God. Except for deleting my husband's name and correcting a few grammatical or spelling errors, I've left it just as I wrote it. Full of hurt. Pain. Anguish.

It's been a really rough week for me. The Lord is pealing back the layers of my brokenness and showing me where some of my false beliefs originated. Facing these revelations has been so very painful but it's also brought freedom to my soul.

Once again, I am reminded that the truth sets me free. The truth is, the Lord will never let me go of me. He is holding me close. He is my heavenly Father comforting me, His hurting child.

I am clinging to my Daddy and know that He will see me through. For me, this is no longer the "right answer to say" or simply Christian rhetoric. It is my lifeline. My God is faithful. He chose me. And He calls me to walk in truth. So that is what I choose to do. Even though every step is excruciatingly painful, I know I will make it.