I've Been Such a Liar

For almost 3 decades I’ve told myself I had a great life. There’s nothing wrong. I’m expecting too much. I should be thankful. It could be worse. And most of the time, I believed myself...and so did everyone else.

A couple months after I asked my husband to move out of the house, he and I took our children to an amusement park for the day. We rode the rides, bought ice cream cones, captured pictures of the kids having fun, laughed and smiled.

On the surface, everything looked great. One of my daughter’s friends even asked if things were better between her parents because I looked like I was having a good time.

My daughter responded, “No. My mom’s just a good actress. She’s been doing it for a long time.”

It’s been over 6 months since that outing and I’ve realized I am such a good actress, sometimes I fool myself. Like yesterday— yesterday I read an article that could have helped me understand a new aspect of my healing, but it didn’t.

It didn’t because I read the comments of a lady who disagreed with the article. Everything she said was something I’ve said in the past. Things I said to explain away my hurt, to justify my husband’s behavior, to convince myself I was doing God’s will even though I was dying inside.

And suddenly, I was believing my lies again.

What if I’m wrong? What if I’m just making a big deal out of nothing? Maybe I’m not being obedient to God. Aren’t we supposed to offer ourselves as living sacrifices? The Bible says to be submissive to my husband and I’m certainly not doing what he wants.

Emotionally, I spiraled downward into my old lies.

Suddenly I hit the bottom with a thud.

“I am sinning.”

But thankfully, I’ve learned a thing or two and as the minutes ticked past, the Godly counsel I’ve received slowing broke through the fog of self-deception. I remembered the words of my first counselor, “You’ve had over 20 years of brain damage so you can’t trust your thoughts. Learn to listen to your children. They will help you know the truth.”

So I thought of each of my children’s struggles. I thought of how they've grown since he moved out and how each of them feel about our former life. As I gently led my thoughts and emotions back to the facts, I began to see clearly again.

The truth is, my children and I are wounded.

We all suffer the effects of emotional, spiritual and financial abuse from a wounded, angry, controlling man. Yet each of us are responsible for our own choices. God does not love my husband more than he loves us.

As I processed through my thoughts and emotions, I noticed I’ve learned to apply scripture in a new way. I am no longer deceiving myself. I am choosing to look at the facts of my situation.

John 8:32 says, “And you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” I know longer understand that verse to simply mean the truth about Jesus being the only way to eternal salvation. I believe it is also a call to live a life of truth. To no longer lie to myself about my circumstances. To refuse to be deceived by myself or anyone else. It means I must acknowledge the pain of my family situation and speak truth to myself.

And I must remove the mask that hides the real me from others. Only then, can Christ set me free.

I Corinthians 10:5 says, “We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.”

The enemy of our souls wants to steal, kill and destroy each and every one of us. And if he can influence our thoughts so that we speak lies to ourselves, we are no longer living in truth. It’s in these moments that I begin to spiral into the depths of despair left without any hope.

Choosing to see the truth of my situation helps me acknowledge God in every aspect of my true self. Then, and only then, I am able to walk in the light of Christ’s love and live in obedience to Him.