God's P.R. Specialist

Early in my adult life, a mentor told me, “When you are in ministry, you live in a glass fish bowl.” In other words, since everything in your life will be seen by others, you need to be extra careful you are setting a godly example.

Then I married a man who felt constant shame and rejection from the wounds of his childhood. In order to make up for his insecurities he was compelled to prove himself to God. His value came from how others saw him.

As the years went by, his need for us to be the perfect example of a Godly family increased. If we performed well he felt successful. He was driven to do more, be more. Every moment of every day had to be spent “serving God”.

Add my mentor’s advice and my husband’s drive to my own feelings of insecurity and the need to do better and you’ve got the recipe for a perfect disaster.

Over time, I felt my every word or action was being judged. The expectation of perfection was a lot of pressure and I knew we didn’t measure up.

I didn’t understand my husband’s behavior was abusive. I’d never learned about blame-shifting, passive-aggressive tendencies, manipulation, gas-lighting or a dozen other behaviors I now understand as emotional abuse.

When you don’t comprehend what’s driving the behavior, here’s how it can play out:

We prayed. We tried harder. We’d "choose joy". We’d trust God. We’d say all the right things. We never complained. We always submitted.

When things got hard as they inevitably did, we’d say we believe in miracles and God can turn any situation around. But nothing really changed. Whatever we did was never enough. We tried harder and harder. We committed our entire existence—every single thing we did— to the Lord.

But it was hard to make sense of the endless struggle. Things didn’t get better. Life got more difficult. Challenges never let up. Pressure continued to build. We felt we were failing to live up to God’s standards. We were never good enough.

Add other people's comments like, “I wish my family could be like yours… Your kids are so talented… I wish my husband was as Godly as your husband… You guys are the perfect Christian family…Are you missionaries? Your family’s so amazing!” ... and the pressure climbs.

Then one day you realize you’re a self-appointed public relations specialist for God Himself. But you still keep going because you think, “If anyone knew the truth, God would look bad.” I know, verbalizing that sounds so ridiculous, but that’s honestly how I felt.

So what’s a girl to do?

Sadly, you keep pretending. You make sure you’ve got that “godly smile” in place so people see Christ in you. Even when you think you can’t take one more step, you push on. Because if you don’t, people will think God failed. He isn’t enough. He didn’t show up. He can’t be trusted. He is a liar.

As Elsa from the Disney movie Frozen sings “Make one wrong move and everyone will know. But it’s only for today. The agony can wait.”

So you keep up the act, ignoring the pain because not doing so is unthinkable. You have convinced yourself that everyone’s faith would be shattered. They may doubt God. If they find out what they think isn’t reality, they will question God’s faithfulness.

And then, well... it boils down to this one enormous guilt-trip of a whammy. "I'm not enough. I’ve failed to point people to Christ. I am a disappointed to God."

So…the show must go on.

Until it can’t….

As I drove to a Women’s retreat one evening, I began to cry. The floodgates opened and I couldn’t see the road ahead of me. I pulled over and sobbed.

As my tears subsided, I continued driving but cried even harder when I reached the parking lot. Here I was, about to walk into a building and spend the weekend with a bunch of Christian women I didn’t know and I my facade was crumbling.

“Please Lord,” I cried, “I need You to show up. I don’t think I can take anymore.”

I was just beginning to realize I could no longer keep up the pace. We had some serious problems that had to be addressed. And soon! Something had to change. Although we still looked good on the outside, my relationship with my husband was in shambles.

My children were suffering. We had no boundaries. My health was failing because of the abuse I still did not yet recognize. My husband told me he had considered committing suicide in the church parking lot the Sunday before my meltdown. That same day, my daughter’s best friend died. Saying the pressure was enormous would be an understatement.

I pulled myself together and did what I always did. I entered the building, I took a deep breathe, put one foot in front of the other, and chose to muster through.

That’s when it happened. A lady sat down beside me at dinner and began with, “You don’t know me but I’m Rachel’s sister. You and your family were such a blessing to her. And your children are so amazing. I just wanted to meet you and let you know how much you and your husband have impacted my family. You’re the most godly people I’ve ever met.”

I politely excused myself and promptly hid in the bathroom until the tears ran out.

That was the day God’s Public Relations Specialist…quit.

Only God knew my hidden pain. I’d never spoken a word of it to anyone. Not my best friend. Not my sister. Not my parents. No one. But in that bathroom stall, I decided to pick a few ladies to be open and honest with over the weekend.

I prayed the Lord would direct me to the right ones and that I wasn’t making a colossal mistake. But I had to be real with someone. Anyone. I couldn’t fake it anymore. I was a mess. My family was a wreck.

I had to face the truth that God didn’t need me to make Him look good. And honestly, since I thought He did, I had a serious pride issue. But I didn’t know that at the time either.

I had to face the fact that God was big enough to handle His own image. He didn’t need me to protect Him— and that left me completely undone.

But God loves me in the middle of my mess and He is still faithfully holding me, guiding me, and healing my broken places. He loves me just as I am but He’s not finished with me yet. He will continue the work He has begun. And for that, I am forever grateful!